Why People Don't Heal And How They Can

I first came across Carolyn Myss, the author of this book, about 8 years ago. Since then, I've started this book 3 times and stopped because I saw different aspects of myself in the pages I wasn't yet ready to confront. If you were to put one self-improvement book on your summer reading list, I'd highly suggest this one.

Many of my clients initially come to me because they suffer from chronic pain and chronic fatigue. Naturally, they feel angry at their body and that they can't live their lives to the extent that they would like. Feeling stuck and depressed is an understandable companion to this anger. That said, the more anger we project back onto our bodies, the longer and more fraught the healing process is. A more effective path to healing is seeing the pain as a point of entry to explore deep within ourselves. In Why People Don't Heal and How They Can, Myss offers some ways to identify if we're suffering from what she calls Woundology and belief systems that could stifle our healing process.

These are the author's top 5 belief systems that most people get caught in when they're in pain or are ill. To move forward, we have to detach from the belief.

5 Myths of Healing

1. My life is defined by my wound (Woundology).
Seeing life through the lens of a traumatic experience means projecting that onto every future relationship and experience (though a book I wrote about last year here says the brain naturally will do this after trauma). Those stuck in this pattern will seek out a social support network that will be sympathetic to their experience and then they never have to move past it. Moreover, they connect with others by comparing wounds and feel empowered if they are more wounded than someone else. She specifically mentions survivor and addiction groups and that they are helpful at certain stages. To continue healing, however, one has to move past that identity of survivor or addict.

In short, we can get stuck in the healing process if we define our identity and live our lives through our wounds rather than evolving past them. It can be a tricky process because someone may think they're addressing their wounds, but what they're really doing is carrying them around like a badge of honor. Over time, our wounds accumulate and gradually suck our energy, leaving us prone to depression, pain and illness. To move past your wounds, focus efforts on things that feed you rather than deplete you. If a current event triggers you to recall all the other times this has happened to you, rather than listing the wounds, look at what you're doing in your life that is creating part of that pattern.

2. Being healthy means being alone.
This is a system that I've personally been guilty of over the last couple of years until I acknowledged that by engaging with others means I have to grow through the things that trigger me. When I envisioned myself as healthy, I was the only one in the room rather than being surrounded by those who I know love and support me. Myss contends healing is an ongoing process that is best done in a community that can help support our changes; "Healing does not represent the closure of the needs of the heart; rather, it is a doorway toward opening your heart." She cites American individualism as a culture block to realizing this yet also acknowledges that sometimes we do need to separate from someone or a community to grow.

3. Feeling pain means being destroyed by pain.
It's normal to believe that pain or illness is negative, yet these feelings can also push us to explore within ourselves and move away from destructive habits and behavioral patterns. She cautions against relying too much on prescription drugs or painkillers in general because they can mask the symptoms of what our body is asking us to heal. She suggests using a mindfulness practice like yoga or meditation to help with healing consciously.

4. All illness is a result of negativity and we are damaged at our core.
Myss encourages readers to not immediately blame a failure to heal on a past experience or negative belief. Illness is complex and there's plenty of toxins in our environment and genes that can be an aspect of illness. Our focus should instead be on our ability to create change over controlling our thoughts. Sometimes it's better to just let go of the negative thoughts or past experiences over trying to dive into them and understand them....that can do more harm than good.

5. True change is impossible.
Most of us don't really like change and to change but healing and change are the same thing. We associate illness with fear and negativity so it can be intimidating to confront the illness and look at how much we really take care of ourselves versus the needs of others. Try shifting the belief that healing will be hard or depressing to relieving and exciting.

This is one of the few books on healing that I've read that actually provides a structure for analyzing one's beliefs and how to better understand and forgive--she actually encourages making a chart/spreadsheet and guides readers on specificially how to structure it. That said, it's a very East meets West, spiritually-minded approach, so if that's not your bag, this may not be for you. If it is, Myss has a unique perspective on understanding how American culture looks at pain and illness that I found to be eye-opening in forgiving myself and others because we're all stuck in some collective, old mindsets that we can let go of reacting to individually.

The Body Keeps Score

Did you know that if you (or someone you know) have suffered through abuse, a traumatic event or upbringing that the brain actually shifted as you (they) attempted to process the pain? This book has rocked my world the past couple of weeks in learning how amazing the body is and how healing from trauma is a layered process.

What is trauma?

In short, something that was stressful in which you felt alone. Obvious examples here include abuse, natural disaster, loss, terrorism and war. In looking at the behavioral patterns that can arise from trauma, I can't help but think most of us could cite some form of traumatic event(s)/relationship(s) in our lives.

How does the brain shift?

Trauma can actually change the brain's alert system and responding hormones in addition to leaving a mark on the brain similar to a stroke. The author, Bessel Van der Kolk, conducted a study where he showed participants images to trigger their trauma while monitoring their brain hemispheres. When participants were exposed to traumatic images, the right side of the brain that impacts how we perceive the world around us was activated, while the left, organizational side deactivated. The brain itself is in response mode to the trigger without real context of time or place. Moreover, the brain's response to trauma is pre-verbal so this explains why recounting what happened in a logical or coherent manner may be difficult or garbled.

While one may consciously choose not to respond to a trauma trigger, the body systems are still reacting, including hormones, which don't return back to normal levels after being in fight or flight or freeze mode. Because of this there is an internal disconnect so one may suffer from addiction or self-mutilation as well as illness, adrenal fatigue, fibromyalgia/chronic fatigue, poor sleep, memory issues, autoimmune disorders and irritability. (If you're super geeky about this stuff, as I am, he spends a good 10 pages going into brain chemistry specifics...but does so in a very approachable way for the brain science novice.)

What are some symptoms of trauma?

Hyper-vigilance-Because of the brain shift, one can be in a perpetual state of hyper-vigilance. This goes back to the perception lens--the brain is constantly surveying for a potential threat. This also means that one may project past traumas onto current life events.

Social isolation-Not wanting to engage with others because this could set off a trigger, so it's better to avoid interaction. On the flip side, fraternizing with those who have suffered the same trauma may feel safe (e.g. other veterans) yet this can also be limiting over time as one's identity shifts.

Loss of identity-You may more commonly know this as survivor's guilt as well as confusion if the person who abused you was supposed to be your caretaker/loved one.

Emotionally numb-A way to deal with the trauma is to disassociate from one's body and feelings, leaving one devoid of feeling.

Loss of imagination-If raised in an unsafe environment, all of the body's systems are in self-preservation (hyper-vigilance) mode so there's no room for imagination or exploration.

Risk-taking-The body releases endorphins which are like morphine, so one can become addicted to risks or even find pleasure in pain. The body seeks this out to overcome anxiety.

How does one heal?

The author suggests 3 approaches to be used in tandem as needed.

1. Top down with talk therapy, specifically EMDR, Internal Family Systems and Neurofeedback. If you're in Austin, there's a great clinic that uses these approaches. Find out more about them here.
2. Medications that will turn off the body's alarm systems.
3. Bottom up through the physical so that the body can experience something other than helplessness and rage which gets held in the viscera (i.e. having a broken heart, stomach in knots). He suggests this in particular for those who suffer from musculo-skeletal pains that may have an emotional root. Since that is my bag and this is my blog, I'm going to spend a bit more time on this and his suggestions.

Heal trauma with mindfulness.

Ki Hara Active Stretching for mindfulness and flexibility.

The first step in releasing the past is reconnecting with and establishing ownership of the body to feel, find peace and focus so that when things trigger the past, one can maintain internal calm. When we can connect with how we feel, we can begin to change perspective. If we can't feel, we are incapable of figuring out what our body needs and how we can best take care of it. By being present in our bodies, it is safe to revisit the past without being overwhelmed by it. We can start to have words for things we may have hidden from ourselves and reintegrate the pieces of ourselves that we've lost along the way. A way of coping with trauma is disassociating from our bodies, so mindfulness and breath work reaffirm who we are as a whole being.

The author recommends yoga as an avenue to mindfully connect with the body. A former client of his specifically cited that Pilates helped her heal from a traumatic event to her pelvis. I love both of these modalities, yet I don't think I learned to be deeply connected to my own body until I encountered Ki Hara Resistance Stretching (aka yoga on steroids). It has been amazing for helping myself and my clients reconnect with areas of the body that have been forgotten and then integrating them to the whole. It's particularly effective because when I'm working with a client, it becomes a partner effort to rediscovery. In other words, it's not someone alone in their own stretching practice (though this is another component for establishing ownership of one's body). I can be an objective pair of eyes for how your body is moving when there could be a more efficient way. If you haven't connected to a part of your body in a long time, how are you even supposed to know it's there?

I found this book to be incredibly insightful both for my own understanding of some areas I need to work on and to have more compassion for others who have are trying their best to heal. If you're one who is better with video over books, here's an interview with the author with some similar themes.

Reflections on the Book of Joy

2016 began with me seeking one thing in my life, joy. It had been a while since I felt not just happiness, but that deep, all-encompassing joy. It has been a crazy year as I have tried to shed some (as many as I could identify day-to-day) of the behavioral patterns and belief systems that stand in the way of joy and embrace a new 'me'. Without joy life seems less alive and there's a youthful vigor to people who have it. So when my friend, Lynn Chang of Career Zen, asked me to join her book club and read the Book of Joy, I was super curious to read and discuss what these wise men had to say about it.

Reading this book turned out to be really intense for me because over the course of this year I have trodded through and traversed pretty much every pillar. Still in the midst of this transformation, I'm not yet in a place to be articulate or provide much perspective...I just sense that I'm acting differently in my life and reacting less. At some points in my reading, I wanted to yell hell yes and there were other points where this book gave me a roadmap of some places I have yet to explore and grow. I suppose there's always 2017...

The Book of Joy is based on five days of conversations between the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu about how to have joy, and all of the things in life that can come in the way of it. They offer 8 Pillars of Joy, 4 of the mind and 4 of the heart, to serve as a basic structure. I'll briefly introduce these pillars and give one of my favorite take-aways about each.

Pillars of the Mind

Perspective-How we see the world is how we experience it and therefore how we interact with it. If we're able to shift our perspective, we can more easily come to a creative solution by identifying where another person is coming from. I believe we realize this cognitively as adults, but this can be hard when you feel so strongly about something that it can lead to conflict with a loved one. There have been many conversations this year where I've had to step outside of myself and shift my perspective to maintain an open mind to not just react out of self-defense.

Humility-Once we have perspective, we realize that we can't control anything and that we're all in this thing together. This inherently gives us a sense of humility in that we are all vulnerable, and we will all be dependent upon others in birth and death. I've spent this year saying I don't know with greater frequency. I never expected to encounter some of the things life has put in my path the last few years and those experiences have humbled me immensely. Both because I recognize I don't have control and that there's rarely a single, correct answer on a solution.

Humor-This has been my greatest lesson this year! I found a much deeper sense of humor because half of the time I had no idea what the hell was going on or what to do about it. A case of the giggles would ensue. Turns out humor and humility have the same root word, humus, or dirt. New lessons this year as well on how having a sense of humor will keep you grounded. Boom!

Acceptance-Once we have perspective and a sense of humor that we are not in control, we can accept these things and begin to see how something positive can grow out of something seemingly negative. I ask my clients to see their pain in this way. Rather than being angry at your body and othering your physical self, what is this pain showing and teaching you? A deeper sense of mindfulness can then help alleviate some of the pain if not most of it.

Pillars of the Heart

Forgiveness-Given that these two men have experienced and seen much oppression, they were clear that one can forgive while seeking justice. In forgiveness we can take back our own feelings and liberate ourselves. This is another piece I see a lot in peoples' bodies. When we have chronic body tightness and stiffness, we're lacking space. I believe that lack of forgiveness, often for ourselves, underscores this and that by letting go we reclaim our bodies and free up previously closed off spaces.

Gratitude-The brain naturally tends to focus on the negative or what isn't right. This goes back to body pain as well. Daily, I witness people get better and when I ask how their plantar fasciitis is, for example, they have forgotten that that is why they initially came to see me. When we forgive, we experience more gratefulness in the present moment. I've started writing 1-2 things I'm grateful for every morning and it's incredible how quickly I feel my disposition shift for the day.

Compassion-If there was one thing on this list I would have checked off before this year, it would have been this one. I've spent my career(s) helping people and I love doing it, so that means I have compassion, right? In the epic unfolding of my life this year, I learned to actually love myself for the first time in my life. It was then I realized I didn't truly truly understand compassion. How can we show compassion for others if we're so caught up in criticising ourselves? In some way that self-judgement transfers into how we treat others and perceive what life brings. Life has taught me to be softer, more compassionate towards myself and others this year. Turns out compassion is contagious according to new research, it has a ripple effect from 2-4 degrees of separation. What if we made a conscious effort to do this beyond the holidays? What would the world/your community look like?

Generosity-This one is hard to distinguish from compassion. Essentially, if we have a sense of purpose we can use those qualities to give to others, which in turn, gives us joy. :)

As you wrap up 2016 and reflect on your year, I highly recommend this book as a mental health check-in of ways and areas to integrate more joy and light into your life. Sending love and joy to you in 2017 and beyond!